lost my identity

When i watch someone else life, i really envy him.

You have the opportunity to be what you want to be, still. Carry it out.

You are who you were, your personality was shaped back in your childhood year, nothing can be changed, maybe a little bit.

so what is left over?

Who am I? what should i do? what should be in my heart?

One thing that babe is right is that you need to experience. You need to experience so that you know the truth. You envy because of your imagination. You are who you will?

I just want to be happy. It seems hard. Harder than i thought.

I have been lonely for quit some times. Do you want to be like this till your death?

人的欲望

人有很多欲望。

欲望的本性就是當你得不到時，你極力想要，你用想象去美化他，你盡可能接近他。可是當你得到后，你卻會有厭煩的一天。

environment, food, and a utopia

Just now i watched 'Food Inc'. A remarkable movie about food we ate everyday, in U.S.

It is about industry. How industrial power collapse our food system and health.

Recently i have watched several documentaries sharing same kind of root: corporatic greedness. Consumerism, capitalism.

It is not right. Something is wrong.

I would like to participate in this movement. What can i do?

Protest. Eat organic food. consume product from good company. disattached from consumerism.

!

Another thing bother me is about my roommate. He is doing party every weekend. Why i feel bad about this? Because of intrusion of people i don't know. OK. Let's face it. Everyone has the privilige of using our living room. You can use living room too. So i am going to use the living room. Put hifi there. put monitor there. watch movie there. Yes, that is.

!

12/19/2009

summarize what i did today:

1. This morning i have a talk with babe and her friend. I helped her built a website which she intended to give to her friends as a Christmas gift. I feel good that i can be part of it, as she does.

2. I played Warcraft 3.

3. I ate spaghetti.

4. I checked my hard drives.

5. I went out to the lake near us with my roommate. It is beautiful. It is the biggest snow i have ever have in my life, yet.

6. I watched 'lie to me' and ' the age of stupid'. In the first drama, i learn something about 'fooling' ourselves through state of fear. By emerging ourselves into something creative and mind-absorbing, we can direct our mind out from focusing on template about emotion.

' The Age of Stupid' is about climate change. The interesting part is about two guys and a group, one is a boss of a new flight company and another one as a engineer in Shell company. The group is the one who complain about building wind turbine in their neighborhood. They all said they care about environment and climate change, but their action is in the opposite direction. It is irony to see how people can create a theory of its own to fool themselves.

7. I drank tea today. It tastes good.

8.

解決！

不要自憐自艾。

有什么事就去解決它。

1.決定要不要去旅行。

2.學車。

3.做運動。

4.整潔。

Happiness

Happiness comes from within, not outside.

If our happiness rely on outer situation and condition, it will be fragile. It just like the weather.

friendship problem.

somehow i feel that my lonely status is hard to change during these time and more of less my life is stuck like this.

Sounds pathetic. Ya, in my heart i feel that.

I need to accept that. And find peace in my heart.

I feel good when i know that babe is going to be here 3 months from now. 90 days is short, right? I feel good that i have accompaniment after all.

Recently i feel urge to buy something. What i want is happiness, i know that. I must understand that the happiness of getting something new is transient and shallow. It will go away quite soon.

My life is not balanced. I think my first important problem is friendship. I don't have fun in my life.

Money is second, but not so important actually.

Why i don't have friend?

1. i have low self-esteem. I am a little bit sociaphobia. Therefore i have turned off some invitation to meet new people. And i also not proactive. I don't contact friend in first place. I was always waiting.